Benny Lee Rodgers

April 8, 2006 seems like it was yesterday. I look back on everything that has happened since then and to be honest, I do not smile. I have done nothing to be proud of, I have only cared about myself, and I have hurt people close to me. Grandpa I was a screw up, I have not kept any promises that I have made. You passed away around 2:00am on the 8th and what was I doing? I was plastered, I was disrespectful to myself and others, but I didn't care, I just wanted to have fun! You were diagnosed with esophageal cancer in the summer of 2005! At the time nobody was really worried because it was very minor and they said that a couple of radiation sessions would get you back on your feet soon, and being the person you were you went and got the chemo and radiation and for 6 days out of the week you were miserable, but you still went back and kept on getting the treatment and I commend you for that, that is something that I could never do, grandpa I never had the chance to tell you, but I was proud of you, I want to be like you! Then October came around and you were nearly finished with your treatments and you went in to see if the cancer was gone. . . it wasn't gone it had only spread to your leg, but with a smile on your face you said oh well let's do the treatment again and you did for another 3 months of pure hell. You didn't come home for Christmas that year because you wanted to get better and finish the sessions. In January you went back in and they gave you the worse news of your life, they said it had spread too fast and too much and there was not much you could do, so you flew down to Salt Lake to get a second opinion and the doctors said the same thing but you could try to do therapy one last time but they would give you double sessions. . . I remember that day really well because that was the day that I got my tattoos on my arms and I called Taysina to brag and she was crying and I asked what was wrong and she told me that the cancer was back and really bad and that you didn't know if you were going to get chemo or radiation again and I remember standing there outside and starting to cry, and she told me that you guys were not going to tell me cause you didn't want me to worry. After that it only got worse, and they finally had to send you home because your health was so bad and they told you and grandma to basically wait it out and they gave you till October. You called me in March grandpa and you said that you were going to walk down to Cedar from Montana because you wanted to meet my brothers and you said that you were going to show them how to "party". You passed away on April 8th!!! the last time I saw you was on Christmas in 2004, that was fucking 16 months before you passed away. How big of a prick am I? I kept on saying that I would come up and see you, but I never did, my petty life was more important and I am ashamed of that! What hurts the most is that I promised you that you would be there at my wedding!!! You would see me get married, you would see me happy, you would see me in love. I promised you that you would see me graduate college, that you would be proud of me. I promised you that I would never ever be embarrassed of who I am. Grandpa you were my best friend, my hero, and most importantly, my blood! I am so ashamed to even still be alive because you fought so hard to stay alive and yet I am willing to basically throw my life away. I would give anything to see you, to touch you, to hug you, to hear more of your stories about your childhood. I would give anything to take your spot, you deserve to still be alive, you never did anything bad, you were the kindest person I have ever met, you loved grandma more than anything, hell you were married for 44 years. . . You loved life more than I ever could, you were grateful for everything! Grandpa I am sorry if I let you down. I love you so much! People always tell me to "give it time" what the hell does that even mean? Does that mean that over time I will forget about you? That over time I will forget about how big of a fuckup I am? Time cannot heal this wound for I have hurt myself in the end! I still can't get over that I knew when you were going to pass away yet I kept telling myself that I would come see you the next week I had off, and when that week came, well I was too busy to drive my ass up there, I would make excuses and I don't know why, I don't know if it was because I knew that if I did see you I wouldn't be able to handle it, maybe it was because I am not strong enough to keep my composure? Grandpa I am sorry for everything bad I did in my past and everything bad I am going to do in my future, my only wish is to see you again and sit with you and just talk like men like we never had the chance to do. I wish you could have been there for when I graduate; I wish you could have been there for when I walk down the isle and waiting for my wife. I am honored to have met you and to have called you my grandpa, I am so grateful that I met such a wonderful person and spent 19 years with them. . . These are things that I want to tell you so bad because now I understand, I understand who I am and where I came from, and I owe it all to you.

Work in Progress

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, Masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, But don't be fooled. For God's sake, don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, That all is sunny and unruffled with me, Within as well as without, That Confidence is my name and coolness my game, That the water's calm and I am in command, And that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may be smooth, but my surface is my mask, Ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the though of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, If it's followed by love, It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, From my own self-built prison walls, From the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assume me of what I can't assure myself; That I'm really worth something. But, I don't tell you this, I don't dare, I am afraid to. I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, Will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and you're laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I am nothing, that I am just no good, And that you will see this and reject me. So, I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a face of assurance without, and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk, I tell you everything that's really nothing, And nothing of what's everything, of what’s crying within me. So, when I am going through my routine, Don't be fooled by what I am saying, Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I am not saying, What I would like to be able to say, What for survival I need to say, But what I can't say. I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial, phony games. I want to stop playing them, I want to be genuine and spontaneous and "me," But you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank sate of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, Very small wings, Very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator-an honest-to God creator-. Of the person that is me, if you choose to, Please chose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, You alone can remove my mask, You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, From my lonely prison, If you choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls, the nearer you approach to me, the binder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about men, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But, I am told that love is stronger than strong walls. And, in this lies my hope. My only hope. Please try to beast down those walls, with firm hands, But with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every woman you meet. I am every man you meet. I am your child. Please handle me with care.

There was always a first time . . .

1. Who was your FIRST prom date? Anissa Hazen! I remember when I asked her I had put shaving cream in a bunch of balloons, once I got them to her house, John, Cole, and myself popped half of them cause we got in a balloon fight and shaving cream went everywhere in her room haha

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Not after Jamaica

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? A wine cooler, ya I thought I was so cool

4. What was your FIRST job? my first real job was Pacsun, I worked on the farm since elementary but don't really count that.

5. What was your FIRST car? Bright yellow 72 Blazer "Chacitta Banana"

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? Samantha

7. Who is the FIRST person you talked to this morning? Siri

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Mrs. Douglas, she rocked

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? I flew to America haha (born in Germany kids)

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? Travis Harshbarger and not for a while

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Travis's

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? My Aunt Tana's when I was a kiddo

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? wrestled with my dog Somni

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Big Ass Show with Brandon Bass

16. FIRST tattoo? The stars on the back of my leg when I was 18

17. FIRST piercing? My left ear haha

18. FIRST foreign country you went to? Born in Germany

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing? Robin Hood

20. When was your FIRST detention? 9th grade in art, I prank called a pizza to Rocky Mountain Jr. High

21. Who was your FIRST roommate? Felipe in college

23. If you had one wish. What would it be? To say goodbye to my grandpa

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? A backflip on a motorcycle

25. Did you marry the FIRST person to ask for your hand in marriage? I have never popped the question thank goodness, I am only going to ask that question once so I am saving it ;)

26. What was the FIRST sport that you were involved in? Football (Roy Rec Mustangs)

27. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took? I am naturally talented haha never taken lessons for anything

28. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home? Let Somni dog out to play

29. Where's the FIRST place you'd travel if you had unlimited time and funds? All seven continents