Benny Lee Rodgers

April 8, 2006 seems like it was yesterday. I look back on everything that has happened since then and to be honest, I do not smile. I have done nothing to be proud of, I have only cared about myself, and I have hurt people close to me. Grandpa I was a screw up, I have not kept any promises that I have made. You passed away around 2:00am on the 8th and what was I doing? I was plastered, I was disrespectful to myself and others, but I didn't care, I just wanted to have fun! You were diagnosed with esophageal cancer in the summer of 2005! At the time nobody was really worried because it was very minor and they said that a couple of radiation sessions would get you back on your feet soon, and being the person you were you went and got the chemo and radiation and for 6 days out of the week you were miserable, but you still went back and kept on getting the treatment and I commend you for that, that is something that I could never do, grandpa I never had the chance to tell you, but I was proud of you, I want to be like you! Then October came around and you were nearly finished with your treatments and you went in to see if the cancer was gone. . . it wasn't gone it had only spread to your leg, but with a smile on your face you said oh well let's do the treatment again and you did for another 3 months of pure hell. You didn't come home for Christmas that year because you wanted to get better and finish the sessions. In January you went back in and they gave you the worse news of your life, they said it had spread too fast and too much and there was not much you could do, so you flew down to Salt Lake to get a second opinion and the doctors said the same thing but you could try to do therapy one last time but they would give you double sessions. . . I remember that day really well because that was the day that I got my tattoos on my arms and I called Taysina to brag and she was crying and I asked what was wrong and she told me that the cancer was back and really bad and that you didn't know if you were going to get chemo or radiation again and I remember standing there outside and starting to cry, and she told me that you guys were not going to tell me cause you didn't want me to worry. After that it only got worse, and they finally had to send you home because your health was so bad and they told you and grandma to basically wait it out and they gave you till October. You called me in March grandpa and you said that you were going to walk down to Cedar from Montana because you wanted to meet my brothers and you said that you were going to show them how to "party". You passed away on April 8th!!! the last time I saw you was on Christmas in 2004, that was fucking 16 months before you passed away. How big of a prick am I? I kept on saying that I would come up and see you, but I never did, my petty life was more important and I am ashamed of that! What hurts the most is that I promised you that you would be there at my wedding!!! You would see me get married, you would see me happy, you would see me in love. I promised you that you would see me graduate college, that you would be proud of me. I promised you that I would never ever be embarrassed of who I am. Grandpa you were my best friend, my hero, and most importantly, my blood! I am so ashamed to even still be alive because you fought so hard to stay alive and yet I am willing to basically throw my life away. I would give anything to see you, to touch you, to hug you, to hear more of your stories about your childhood. I would give anything to take your spot, you deserve to still be alive, you never did anything bad, you were the kindest person I have ever met, you loved grandma more than anything, hell you were married for 44 years. . . You loved life more than I ever could, you were grateful for everything! Grandpa I am sorry if I let you down. I love you so much! People always tell me to "give it time" what the hell does that even mean? Does that mean that over time I will forget about you? That over time I will forget about how big of a fuckup I am? Time cannot heal this wound for I have hurt myself in the end! I still can't get over that I knew when you were going to pass away yet I kept telling myself that I would come see you the next week I had off, and when that week came, well I was too busy to drive my ass up there, I would make excuses and I don't know why, I don't know if it was because I knew that if I did see you I wouldn't be able to handle it, maybe it was because I am not strong enough to keep my composure? Grandpa I am sorry for everything bad I did in my past and everything bad I am going to do in my future, my only wish is to see you again and sit with you and just talk like men like we never had the chance to do. I wish you could have been there for when I graduate; I wish you could have been there for when I walk down the isle and waiting for my wife. I am honored to have met you and to have called you my grandpa, I am so grateful that I met such a wonderful person and spent 19 years with them. . . These are things that I want to tell you so bad because now I understand, I understand who I am and where I came from, and I owe it all to you.